Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Okay this one takes it home

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Attacked by a mop.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

you could not pay me to delete this app