Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.