Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.