Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Dolls on drugs
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates