Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
man: wait
time: no
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
These are my roll models.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”