Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
bought wrong eggs
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
as is their right
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
my first dose meeting my second
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Rather alarming headline…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.