Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

It’s the weekend y’all

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

#math

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do