Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

Start the year as you intend to continue.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark