Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

God, I love Scotland

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

I didn’t come here to be called names

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.