[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
good work, detective
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
happy mother’s day❤️
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV