[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.