@bwebster76: Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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@ShittyComedian: I snorted enough cocaine last night to kill a horse, but in my defense that horse came out of nowhere.
@LlamaInaTux: Me: release the kraken! Friend: what's a kraken? Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
@RexHuppke: The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."
@ArfMeasures: Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing? Me: No my hearing's fine, I think it's that murder I did