Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Erm…
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack