I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP
Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
According to math, I’m broke
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby