@bwebster76

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

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@seegreenfairys

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

@GoldenSpirals

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@WilliamAder

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

@Mr_Kapowski

Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP

Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.

@BuckyIsotope

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

@minealone6

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin