Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training