Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more