Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I drew y’all a little something.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS