*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
You Might Also Like
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
SPLOOT
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”