*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
