*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
