Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Stop.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”