Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

#Caturday

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness