Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.