Sir!!
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I falcon love using swear birds
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep