“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I drew y’all a little something.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Worm Regards”
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it