“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.