Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”