Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?