Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

when a toddler tells a story

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.