“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back