Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying