“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!