Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.