@TheNardvark

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

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@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@FilmsWeWant

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

@melibuff

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

@leannuh

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

@briancthayer

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

@TheBoydP

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.