“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.