@TheNardvark

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

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@sarabellab123

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@UncleDuke1969

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

@bossy_bootz

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

@kellyoxford

“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter

@SamGirlSunday

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

@baycontaco

I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.

@crunchenhanced

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

@causticbob

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.