Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.