Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.