Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

craving $300 all of a sudden

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I