Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme