Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Damn he played himself
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority