Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You Might Also Like
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.