@YesThatAmy

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

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@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@tarashoe

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

@fatherofcomedy

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.