Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower