Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

man i love columbo

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.