Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

I’m confused about plants

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.