“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”
*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*
You Might Also Like
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.