“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”
*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*
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I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.