Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
You Might Also Like
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that