Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Mornin
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.