Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.