Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..