“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort