sir, my pâté if you please
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.