Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor