Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Not today.. 😂

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell