“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod