Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Worst bar ever.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I love texting my boyfriend
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.