Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

What legos do when we’re not looking.

💀💀

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

mood

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting