Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
dril cadence
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.