@animaldrumss

Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.

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@simoncholland

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

@Juan_Incognito

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

@MongooseMayhem

Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.

@NicestHippo

Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY

@murrman5

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

@WritePlay

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@dubstep4dads

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

@FU_TangClan

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]