I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.
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Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.
Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Nincompoopery is my favorite kind of poopery
I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads
But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater
i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier