Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.

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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.


I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.


Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.


Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY


[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see


TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it


Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe


girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler


Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr


[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
[stifles laughter]
[just loses it]