Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.

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Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.


Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.


Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.


This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 caratsโ€ฆ”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]


I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads

But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater


i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier