Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.