Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.