Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
You Might Also Like
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though