Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!
Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.
Shit, that was embarrassing.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens
Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?
Sir have some respect this is a funeral.
John Wick sounds like a mens toilet candle
“YOLO” giggled the 53rd incarnation of Buddha
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*