Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

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Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!

We’re sitting.

Now standing.


Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.

Shit, that was embarrassing.


What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.


Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens


Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.


STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all


Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.


Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*


[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*