Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
a god among men
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
my fav colour is also hitler
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
When he asks for feet pics
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.