@Lammergeared

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

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@TweetingDadGuy

Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!

We’re sitting.

Now standing.

Sitting.

Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.

Shit, that was embarrassing.

@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@ElizaBayne

Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens

@VodkaThursday

Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.

@TheRolo

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

@breadzeppellin

Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.

@Ygrene

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

@ShortSleeveSuit

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*