Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Terribly Tuesday.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

ㅤ

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?