Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.