Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

this post was so formative to me

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

shit, they caught us—run!!!

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

It kinda feels like this rn