Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?