‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
FINE, I WON’T.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude