‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…