Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life