Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend