Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”
You Might Also Like
A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.
-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Are you a cat person or a person person?