@brittwastaken: *walks seductively up to table* *licks lips* Me: Come on baby. Just one more time. Him: Lady, I'm not giving you any more cheese samples.

@meganamram: It was definitely Adam and Steve - what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

@AimeeHelene1: The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

@TheAlexNevil: Officer: Do you know why I stopped you? Me: Um...could you give me a hint? O: You were sp-- M: No, don't tell me-I said a hint. O: Sir...