@Brentweets
@Spotzwoj
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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@Spotzwoj
@AtRichieK
A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.
@Bratterina
-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
Me: pfffffft
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
@LackOfShame
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
@HairyJew4Life
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.
@BurhanHafeez1
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
@LoveNLunchmeat
Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
@alexlumaga
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
@thenashleysays
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
@bazecraze
Are you a cat person or a person person?