villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.