“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”

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A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.


-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge


Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.


Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.


Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.


Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely


Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*


the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”