Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

is he marrying that labradoodle

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love