Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Never be a pizza!

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke