Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello