Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕