Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.